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Writer's pictureEmma Chadwick

Post 8 - I made it!

7th August 2024


I would like to start with a trigger warning that I will be talking about my experience over the last couple of days with my dad.


My dad passed away at 2.46am Wednesday the 7th of August.


It’s been 2 days since I wrote my last post.  If you read it you’ll remember I wasn’t sure if I would make it there in time to say goodbye.  When I got off the plane my Sister text me and said hurry it’s happening.  It was a panic, I literally flew through customs and my bag came out first, I jumped in my friends car and we got there without any traffic, I was thanking the universe for getting me there so quickly and thought it was fate.  We thought my Dad was waiting for me.


I made it and I am so grateful and happy I did, I never thought I would.


I saw him, hugged him, kissed him, sat there, and told him all the best memories that I had written down in my notes on the plane. My memories, Chaddy’s memories and also Hanna’s memories.


When I got there, he had already been sleeping and unresponsive for I think 24 hours, however, we all saw a flicker on his face when I got there.  That was the last movement he made.


He stayed with us for another 36 hours after that.


It was long and so sad


He was in the wonderful SpringHill Hospice in Rochdale and I can’t say enough good things about it. My mum and Sister literally lived there for 5 days with him, never once did we leave him alone.


The hospice is run purely off donations and I vow to always raises money for them when I can.  They made them last days for my dad and my family exactly what he would have wanted. The nurses have so much compassion and hug you, constantly making you teas/coffee, food, cakes they just can’t do enough for you.  I feel so blessed to have had that positive experience. 


It wasn’t all sad.  I’m not sure what experiences others have had in similar situations but we had some belly laughs too, probably in a kind of hysterical way.  We sang songs that came on the radio, my Dad loved smooth radio and we kept saying he was waiting for the perfect song.  We chatted, reminisced, and said goodbye to him every single time we left the room, just in case! It became a bit of a thing between the 3 of us.  We were scared to fall asleep in case we missed it but we’d said goodbye so many times that we would have been ok with it if we did.  We were lucky enough that we were all there in the end.  He actually would have loved it, hearing his 3 girls giggling, talking nonsense and singing.


In true Peri style and lack of sleep I have a very muddled brain today.  This happened only less than 4 hours ago and I am sat here writing about it. Some may think that odd but I don’t know what else to do.   I tried to sleep but just lay there wondering if it’s normal for me to not be crying constantly, wondering when I should tell everyone, wondering how I should be feeling.  It’s 6.32am and everyone is asleep and I can't so I got up and messaged the people I wanted to message and so here I am, hoping that writing about it will help me process it, remember it more so I can then feel the feels I should be feeling.


Greif is new to me.  I’ve lost friends and family over the years but no-one in my immediate family.  I don’t know what grief looks like for me.  I’m super emotional generally but feel I must be in a kind of shock or surreal state. 


Guilt is the most prominent of feelings I feel.  I feel guilty that I’m hungry right now, aren’t I supposed to lose my appetite?  Why am I not crying? I want to be alone for a bit, is that ok?  Or should I not feel that?  Guilt that I am writing about it.  It’s madness.


 

Writing this has really helped me.  I have written this post and my last post with no intention to actually post them yet.  I wrote them to help me process and wanted to reflect on them after a few days or even in the future as my memory is so bad.  I can share too much and worry about causing offense but that’s the way I am.  I always write with the intent to help and to relate.  I hope that is how it’s read.

 

Emma x

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